Silver Lining

I have recently noticed a lot of fancy important people spouting all sorts of boring $$ talky shit.  I'm not really listening but I recently joined Bossy's Poverty Party because I keep trying to figure out what's going on here (she is also very important, but more attractive than Alan Greenspan, so I feel she's better equipped to explain this to me).  Where did all the money go?  And who exactly is poor these days?  Because I'm still having to run SUVs off the road with my even bigger SUV. 

What I'm trying to say is that while I love poor Americans, I love poor foreign people even more.  To help them out I'm having Trixie and Dash Trick-or-Treat for UNICEF this Friday night.  The idea is simple. Visit their website here and either order a little box (they're free) or you can print out the design and make your own!  This is great if you have kids (for obvious reasons) but it's also great for big kids (like My Gay Husband) who wish they didn't seem so creepy parading around the neighborhood in their Halloween costume.  Now you have an excuse to wear all that stuff you bought at the sex shop!!

Getting in the Halloween Spirit

Growing up in the Bible Belt, I didn't get to celebrate Halloween very much because my mom thought it was of the dark lord.  Instead we had to go to lame ass Fall Festivals at our church.  And while we were always country and poor, my friends and I always had plenty of spunk.  One year we all got into our parents' old college wardrobes and went as hippies (foreshadowing, huh?  Too bad we hadn't found our moms' wacky tobbacky stashes yet).  Another year we were all celebrities.  But we, of course, were not normal 3rd graders so I was Elizabeth Taylor, Dora was Alanis Morrisette and Bobbie Jean was Annie Oakley.  I guess this was also a little bit of foreshadowing as I am now pretty much a lardy hermit who sits around in ridiculous get ups and thinks she's fabulous and Bobbie Jean carries a (stun) gun around in her purse at all times.  

So yeah, now that I'm out of God's territory, I can finally do Halloween the right way.  I recently attended a MomGathering at which three neighbor moms and I planned a Halloween party for our massive brood of chirrens, ages 2 to 6. My kids are obviously the bad asses of the bunch so I kept throwing out great ideas (peeled grapes as eyeballs, cold spaghetti as worms) that the wussier moms kept shooting down. What the hell is a Halloween party if not even one kids shits their pants???

Anyway, two of the moms I like a lot. However, one of the Stepford-Wannabes in our neighborhood kept going on about her FABULOUS house parties and trying to make us feel inadequately informed about paper plates and flatware. Fortunately, T-Money, my tough mom friend, back handed her and got everything on track again.

I want to be an alien for Halloween, but my costume is shaping up more like a hooker on acid.  I guess that's okay too, it just somehow seems less kid-friendly.  I'm also really proud of the new Halloween tats I got.  Pictured below.  I'm such a gangstah nanny.  Love it.