The Hills Are Alive

Bobby and Coco are both in Dubai this weekend, exploring some new oil excavation options so I'm here with all five chirrens and the two dogs.  Francois Phillipe kept me up all night scraping the computer chair across my ceiling.  I eventually got tired of running up and down the stairs, so at 1am I texted him:

GO TO BED.  IF YOU WAKE ME UP ONE MORE TIME, YOU SHALL TRULY UNDERSTAND THE WRATH OF NANNY GARCIA.

Five hours later, I was up to sleepily start my day.  After removing the Diet Coke IV from my arm, I was UP UP UP so I went ahead and stripped all the chirren's beds, changed their sheets, did two loads of laundry, and yelled at one teenager.  

Actually, I handled Francois Phillippe surprisingly calmly this morning, especially considering I had to get him off to a Bar Mitzvah.  Of course, he had no dress shoes that fit, and his pants were simultaneously too long and too tight.  AND THEN we realized that neither of us knows how to tie a tie.  

We had to walk across the street ask a neighbor lady to tie his tie for us.  Yep, it was as embarrassing as it sounds.  And I guess my sweatpants, hoodie, and disheveled hair were sending off distress signals because the neighbor lady asked me how I was doing holding down the fort.  

I assured her that everything was going swimmingly, but all I could think was, "Shit, Bobby and Coco have only been gone three hours and the neighbors are already trying to call Child Services on me!"  

But since I've gotten the moody teenager out of the house, things are starting to look up.  Justin and Dustin are getting ready for their afternoon birthday party and Trixie, Dash, and I are watching The Sound of Music.  

When I was younger, my dad would imprison my sisters and me and force us to watch his favorite movies, including The Sound of Music.  Back then, I was far too busy eating crayons and cutting my hair to notice what a badass nanny Maria is.  

If I think of myself in terms of Julie Andrews roles (which I do often), I am much more like Maria than Mary Poppins.  Mary Poppins was sort of a tight ass and had all of her shit on lock.  But Maria is just a big ole hippie mess.  

First of all, she walks into the mansion wearing a fugly grey dress.  When the Captain asks her to change, she's call, "Oh, but I gave all my clothes to the poor.  Sorry I don't have anything else to wear yet - I make my own clothes!"

Then, she meets the chirrens and she's all, "Oh, ok, just go ahead and try to fuck with me.  I smoked a joint walking up your two-mile driveway and I'm keeping my cool."

Not to mention all the traipsing around the countryside with a guitar. 

So now I'm all, "Oh, hello, Rodgers and Hammerstein?  This is Nanny Garcia and I think you've been looking for me for your next musical!!"