Doctah, Doctah, Gimme the Newz

I am waiting for my friends Elsa and Lupe to finish mopping the kitchen so I can go make some delectable rice concoction*.  So you have my attention until then.  Lupe doesn't speak any English at all, so I had to call Dora (who has a degree in Spanish) to ask her como se dice "I like your ponytail" en espanol.  

If you've been keeping up with your favorite childcare provider (me), then you know I've been jumping through medical hoops.  And guess what?  Fucking nothing.  I did get some new pillz that the doc keeps reiterating are NOT diet pillz, but will make me lose wait.  Uh, sounds like a motherfucking diet pill to me.   Or magic.  Either way, I'm fine with it.  

I like this doctor.  I think he has OCD, but he hasn't asked my opinion on the matter yet.  I picked him off the internetz because his first name is Farhad, which is my favorite Persian name.  But when he tries to explain things to me, his ramblings seem too circitous to follow.  And then afterwards my mom will ask me what he said to which I can only reply "Pancreas".  

So I'm pretty sure he was saying everything is A-OK, but who cares? I really only have three questions for any doctor.  

1) Is this going to kill me any faster than my booze and cigarettes?  

2) Is this going to make me fatter?

3) Does this in any way qualify me for a medical marijuana license?

If the answer to all three of those questions is no, then I just stop listening and walk out the door.  

* I have two rice concoction recipes.  My favorite is rice, dark red kidney beans, 1 can tuna, 1 tbsp Miracle Whip Light, several tbsp fat free plain yogurt, crushed red pepper.  My other recipe is rice, lima beans, dill weed, lemon juice, fat free plain yogurt, and black pepper.  My father calls this "Creative Cooking".