Childish Profiles

In addition to being a disciple of Coco Roshambo, I am also a nanny for her five children. I am not exactly a typical nanny, but this is not a typical family and these certainly are not typical children. Below are profiles of "All my Children" (does that count as a pun? If so, pun intended):

At the insistence of Coco, her eldest son, Francois Philippe, has no nicknames. He has been trained to respond only to his full title. At thirteen years old, Francois Philippe recently sprouted several extra appendages including a cell phone (growing out of his ever-texting thumbs), some sort of game system (in case there's ever a slightly under-stimulating moment in his over-stimulated world), and a book of French he keeps in his sagging back pocket. He often refers to this last item to look up phrases to impress "the ladies." Francois Philippe is my #1 thug-4-life because we both think I'm incredibly cool and love Lil' Wayne. As luck would have it, Francois Philippe's best friend is also named Francois Philippe, but fortunately, people just call him Frank.

Just 6 months after Francois Philippe was born, along came a set of twins, Justin and Dustin (it doesn't make sense to me either). Justin is the good twin and I guess you know what that makes Dustin. Justin, or as I call him, J-Baby, is a gifted pianist and terribly funny. I say terribly because he specializes in puns and knock-knock jokes. His teachers might disagree, but I am convinced he is some sort of genius. He really gets my lectures. Sometimes I talk about weird stuff I learned in Uncle Ted's philosophy classes and Justin jumps right in with his own theories. It's great. Dusty, on the other hand, is slightly more difficult. He refuses to practice the piano, terrorizes his siblings, punches holes in the walls, and worst of all ... sasses me!! I mostly ignore Dusty and try to convince Justin he thinks I'm as cool as Francois Philippe does.

Dash, six, is the sweetheart and athlete of the family. His favorite place in the world is the dentist's office. He keeps trying to have his birthday party there. His favorite hobbies include EATING, smiling, laughing, playing baseball, signing autographs, and grinning. He's so charming he even melts my old bitter heart and I can never bring myself to put him in time out so he gets away with pretty much anything. Which is fine because he lets me call him Sugah Britches. He also loves food, but not food in general, just the following: meat (any kind), strawberries, blue berries, french fries, and taquitos.

Dash and Trixie are often referred to as les bebes ("the babies," for you hopeless Americans). Despite being the youngest, Trixie is by the far the toughest person in the household. She eats nails for breakfast and last week I had to pull her off a ten year old boy who took her swing at the park. She is a miniature Coco. She will stop women in the mall to compliment their shoes and often scolds me for not matching my purse to my top. She changes clothes about four times a day, each outfit a little more sparkly than the last.

So this is your formal introduction to my glorious chirren. Consider yourself warned.